Obama Signs Wrestling Reform Act

Federal Government Assumes Complete Control of High School Wrestling

Highlights of the Wrestling Reform Act include... Elimination of the AAA and AA/A classification system: "Segregation of schools based on school size is clearly a violation of the Civil Rights Act of 1964," noted the President. "Forcing the AA/A schools to compete at the State Wrestling Tournament in one end of the Civic Center, while the large schools compete in the, er, um, other end, is a practice which can no longer be tolerated. Or something. There is no reason that a small school should be treated any differently than a big school, simply because it has fewer students." Elimination of weight classes: "We should no longer deny a 285 lb. student the right to wrestle a 103 lb. opponent simply because that student happens to weigh 285 lbs. This is discrimination based on weight." Nationwide realignment of wrestling regions and districts: Beginning in 2010-11, all wrestling regions in each state will correspond to congressional districts. "We were running short on ideas on how best to bring about change," noted the President. "This will certainly change things. We need more change."

This map depicts the new wrestling districts for West Virginia, which will be based on congressional districts. District 1 Oak Glen, Weir, Madonna, Wheeling Central, Cameron, Magnolia, Tyler Consolidated, St Marys, Williamstown, Ritchie County, Bishop Donahue, Clay-Battelle, Parkersburg Catholic, Petersburg, Grafton, South Harrison, Frankfort, Lincoln, Keyser, Philip Barbour, Liberty Harrison, Brooke, Wheeling Park, John Marshall, Parkersburg High, Parkersburg South, Morgantown, University, Preston, North Marion, Fairmont Senior, East Fairmont, Bridgeport, Robert C. Byrd. District 2 Point Pleasant, Calhoun County, Ravenswood, Sissonville, Wahama, Wirt County, Clay County, Roane County, Herbert Hoover, Poca, Braxton County, Moorefield, Berkeley Springs, Ripley, Hurricane, Winfield, Nitro, St Albans, George Washington, Capital, South Charleston, Riverside, Lewis County, Buckhannon Upshur, Elkins, Musselman, Jefferson, Martinsburg, Hedgesville, Washington, Hampshire. District 3 Liberty Raleigh, Independence, Oak Hill, Greenbrier West, Meadow Bridge, Fayetteville, Wyoming East, Shady Spring, Richwood, Webster County, Pikeview, Bluefield, Cabell Midland, Huntington High, Lincoln County, Logan, Nicholas County, Woodrow Wilson, Greenbrier East, Princeton.

The complete text of the Wrestling Reform Act is said to cover over 75,000 pages in length, and was not actually finished until moments before the votes were cast in Congress. No human on earth actually knows what all the provisions of the bill are. “But we have to pass the bill so that you can find out what is in it, away from the fog of the controversy," proclaimed Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. However, Republican House Minority Leader John Boehner (Ohio) was less than enthusiastic. "Does anybody know what is in this bill? Heavens to Betsy, NO!" The controversy is expected to die down soon, in view of the fact that the public's attention span is known to last about two news cycles. Congress is now gearing up for the "Oxygen as the Preferred Gas for Respiration Act" which will be the next Obama proposal. Republican representative Boehner has vowed to fight this latest proposal tooth and nail. "Yeah, they threw this wrestling thingy by us, but they will never get this oxygen thing passed. The American people just won't stand for it."

Congressional staff members hard at work finishing the final draft of the Wrestling Reform Act.